Checklist for the Perfect Dysfunctional Family Holiday Meal

It's that time of year again, when we get to spend treasured moments around the dinner table with loved ones from near and far. For those of us with dysfunctional families (okay, so that's all of us), meals can be a real adventure. Here's a checklist for the perfect dysfunctional family holiday meal...

1. Inadequate amounts of food for the size of the crowd.
2. Everything is overcooked.
3. No bread (someone forgot to bring it); will stale crackers do?
4. No beverages (milk is spoiled; soda is out of the question), unless you count the wine that's been sitting in the back of the fridge for months.
5. There aren't any side dishes, except for a green salad, which is composed of lettuce pieces so large, even healthy adults choke.
6. No dessert (we’re all supposed to be dieting, don’t you know).
7. Food is cold, because the host forgot to provide ample “processing” time before eating.
8. Table centerpiece, complete with dried corn stalks and gourds, towers above all.
9. Guests are talking so loud that the din drowns out repeated requests to “please pass the butter.”
10. Everyone has left and not a single dish has been picked up or put in the dishwasher.

Bet you can't wait!